Shouldn't I feel happier by now?

“I thought I would feel happier by now.”

A comment I recently heard made by someone a few months into their grieving process. I often wonder what this idea of “happier” is based upon. Is it the happiness you felt before your person died? Because that you, that life before, no longer exists. Is it the happiness you see other people express after the death of a loved one? Maybe that’s not true either, it’s just a mask they put on to get through the day.

It is so hard because you love them so much. But does that mean you will no longer feel happiness? Of course not. Happiness and joy may even be more acute than ever before. A client said to me once, “I now know what pure joy is because I also know what pure sadness is.”

I refer to this as breaking open the heart. It’s only when our hearts are broken that we experience, as Rumi stated, “The wound is where the light enters.” I believe your joy will always be tempered with sadness because you will always wish they could experience it with you. And perhaps that is why it’s even more meaningful to feel joy…you feel it for them too. Let’s redefine the idea of “happier” after grief.